Toe to Toe with Jesus

What would you do if you met Jesus? He's kind of a big deal, you know the Son of God, walks on water, forgives sin, and is capable of giving eternal life. Yeah, that Jesus. I've heard many Christians say they would worship Him, bow down at His feet, and love Him. Others, maybe atheists or agnostics, would rather have an intellectual conversation with Jesus, trying to better know His ethics and teachings, as opposed to divinity. Shortly after I was adopted my parents named me Michael. I was named after none other than Michael the Archangel, the leader of the armies of God, and one of the most bad ass figures of the Bible. Yet, even with all his power and might, the angel Michael still had to answer to a higher power. God.

Well, I've never been much of a subordinate, and always find a way to defy authority. I've largely thought most of my former bosses had the IQ of brussle sprouts, if not a tad bit lower. I didn't get along with many of my teachers in school, and rarely like being told I'm wrong. There are times where I find myself arrogantly mocking authority and leadership. What is my deal? There in lies my major dilema as a Christian. A major part of being a Christian is faithfully giving into the will of God, but what do you do when you don't want to trust His authority. What if you felt like every time you trusted God He let you down, or had some "tough love" lesson to straighten you out with? You really wouldn't want to give into that will again, and maybe would push back harder against an immovable object. What do you do when you desire defiance over submission? What if I desire to wrestle the angel in order to feel closer to God?

Several days ago, I met up with a group of men from my church. One of my friends said if God came into the room, he would bow down and worship Him. My gut response was that I would stand up and go toe to toe with Jesus, not necessarily to throw down with Him, but to position myself infront of the greatest authority in the universe.I would look Him right in eyes and size up the Savior of man kind. It would be the greatest staring contest in the world, knowing that He wouldn't just be looking into my eyes, but examining the very essence of my soul. That fact, however, would not waver my intent to explore into His own character and being. I'd just be too curious to see if I could find the core of God's own existence in His eyes. Wow, that would blow my mind. At the same time I would have so many questions. Who were my birth parents? Why did you let cancer take three of my grandparents? Onto the larger picture, where were you during the holocaust, Rwanda genocide, and September 11th? Clearly not a conversation to have over a cup of Starbucks coffee, but maybe better suited for the summit of a snow covered mountain.

I think this illustration is what I conjure up when I consider my human will against the will of God. What could I, a five foot nothing, 155 lb human, do in light of the creator of the universe? I might be able to look Jesus eye to eye, but in reality He would have the authority of the world as His fingertips, and I am nothing more than a part of that creation. Creation vs creator? Will vs will? Man vs God? Sinner vs Savior? Faith vs doubt? Submission vs defiance.

I think this picture is less like pharaoh challenging God's power through Moses, and more like Pilate seeking confirmation from Jesus. The numerous one on one encounters in the Bible very much resemble what I think a current day encounter would look like. Peter denies Jesus face to face, Martha and Mary show sorrow when Lazarus dies, but Mary also washes His feet with her tears. Even Judas kissed the very person he was about to betray, thus masking malice with a recognizable act of intimacy.

The culture may be 2,000 years removed from Biblical times, but the human traits that existed then are very much a part of our day now. I think if Jesus lived now he'd be blowing up Facebook status updates, twitter feeds, and Fox news. There'd be haters and followers, but they'd be adhearing to the modern ways of social networking and media frenzy. There's be accusations of photoshop, video tampering, and taking conversations out of context. Those who would choose to doubt would still doubt, and those who would believe would still believe. There are those would bow at His feet, and those who, like me, would want more than blind faith.

I wonder why pure faith and trust is never good enough for me. I have, and have always wanted more. In the movie The Matrix, the character Seraph, says "You never really know a person until you fight them". Sometimes I feel the best way to know God is to fight Him, because you can't fight without being close to the one you're fighting. The irony is that I always know it's a fight I will never win. Why can't faith the size of a mustard seed be enough, when it is more than enough?

Brothers of Light and Dark

Most people are familiar with the Yin Yang, or at least most people have seen one. The Yin Yang is an ancient Chinese symbol that reflects the interconnected nature of seemingly opposite forces. It is sometimes viewed that light cannot exist without dark, and dark cannot exist without light. It is essentially the coexistence, or balance in the relationship of things we often view as being on the far side of the spectrum as the other. However, just because things are opposites, does not mean they are on the opposite side. Quite often they are the closest linked things, like brothers/ or twins, instead of enemies as we often perceive them.

I loved the tv show Lost. For those unfamiliar, there are two characters, one named Jacob(who always wears white)and another simply called the Man in Black (who obviously always wore black). The two clearly represented good and evil, but instead of being mortal enemies, which they sometimes were, they were also closely bound brothers. Their relationship was intertwined at a very high level, yet they opposed everything about what the other stood for. It reminds me of the Biblical dialogue between God and Satan when Job was being tested. Despite the incredible difference between God and Satan, there was still a unique close relationship that existed by two entities that we never picture being together(which should not be confused as being the same, or in joint operation).

This brings me to the balance between light and dark that exists in every human. We choose to think love and hate are polar opposites, yet their relationship is closer than any other emotion we experience. The ability to hate creates in us the same amount of forces as that of love, but the outcome and consequences of those forces is usually destructive. But, if you really think of it, isn't love capable of being just as dangerous and damaging? Sometimes it's not. Anger and hatred can make us incredibly strong physically and emotionally, but so can love. Similarly, trust and betrayal beget one another. In order to be betrayed one must allow a certain degree of trust, and in order to trust, one must allow room for betrayal. Broken trust rarely leads to any other emotion than betrayal, and therefor they are brothers united by a thin, and almost inconceivable line. It's why the people we trust the most, are the only ones capable of betraying us the most. Just like the people we love the most, are the only ones who hurt us the deepest.

Cynics and idealists are usually the same people, but at different points in life. A person is not born cynical. They are mostly people who have created specific ideals and expectations, and at some point life/people let them down(or that is how they see it). It's the same reason hopeless romantics end up being the most jaded people when it comes to their view on relationships. Nobody starts out that way. The opposing forces and human traits are only one step removed from the other, and not on some far distant side.

This topic reminds me how so much good can come out of negative circumstances. When an earthquake devestates an entire country it is a tragedy, yet it summons in us a desire to aid humanity in a way that would have never been engaged otherwise. It's sad that for many of us it takes something like Sept 11th, the Virgiina Tech killings, the Haiti earthquake, Indonesia tsunami, Columbine, Hurricane Katrina, etc. to be inspired to do good. Evil begets love and kindness, just as tragedy begets hope and inspiration. Brothers of light and dark, bound, yet working to bring existence to the other.

Consider these seemingly opposite emotions, and then think about how closely knit their relationship truly is to the other. Consider how a simple shift in one, or the attack of one, will immediately lead to the other. Perhaps ponder whether the restoration, or redemption of one can brings things back to the previous mode of existence.

Love and Hate
Tragedy and Hope
Good and Evil
Life and Death
Restoration and The Fall
Triumph and Failure
Order and Chaos
Sorrow and Anger
Existence and Nothingness
Strength and Brokeness
Trust and Betrayal
Greed and Charity
Redemption and Condemnation
Faith and Disbelief
Peace and War
Vindictiveness and Forgiveness
Building and Destruction

Etched on Our Skin: Scars

Some people say scars are life's story etched on our skin. They are like ink free tattoos designed by the will of life's events. Each scar has it's own unique story and series of events that lead up to the very moment it marred our body. For every visible scar on our being, I would venture to guess there are thousands of scars on our souls that nobody can see. Those, in and of themselves, tell a whole different story.

My scar story:

Right leg: Largest scar on my body. Passenger in car accident at 35-40 mph. May 2009

Upper right shoulder: 3 inch scar from falling during a trail race. April 2006

Lower left stomach: hernia incision scar. 1986

Chin and lower jaw: Bitten by a dog at age 5, 1986. 20 stiches.

Left upper leg: several 4-6 in scars from trail race. January 2011.

Left hand: scraped the bottom of a pool while diving. Summer 1990.

Both elbows: scars from sliding headfirst during baseball games. 1989-1999

Lower lip: bit through entire lip whe hit by a seesaw. 1985

Left foot: Cut rescuing a drowning child. Lifeguarding,summer 2004

Both legs: dozens of small scars from trail races and runs. Circa 2004-2011.

Neck: had birth mark removed. 1995

Left lower arm: cut moving furniture for friends. Summer 2005.

Forehead: ran into a tree 2010, ran into a wall at the Science Museum of VA 1987

And those are just the scars visible to the human eye.

The Defiant: By Michael L. Bailey

Along wind blown shores and crisp horizons, a fortress stands
Cliffs of reckless abandon fall to the waters, there's no beach, no sand.
Years of trials, brick and mortor, the fortress is born
She stands, defiant, strong, welcoming the storms.
The winds of nevers and maybes shake the thick walls
The waves of betrayal, trust, quake the inner halls.

The walls are thicker and higher, they continue to grow
Before the sun rays could permiate, and now not even a glow.
Keep your promises at the door, and your knees to the ground
These chains are locked, is there a key to be found?
The vibrant colors of truth have faded to black and white,
Now even the day is as dark as the night.

However, a fortress she has not always been
But once a castle on a hill, where the sunrise shown in.
The gate was lowered, where hope found peace in her depths
But inside the foundation the walls secretly wept.
Like a trojan horse, the throne collapsed from the inside out
The lights, the candles, a cold breeze blew them out.
Her past beauty was a city on a hill
But now in the hollows, there's only silence, a chill.

You can't penetrate the fortress, you can't make it move
No words, no actions, can weaken, or sooth.
The foundation is set, what is, is what will forever be
The doubts are the far off distance, like water of the sea.
The mighty fortress has endured the squalls and sting of the rain
This mighty fortress has long since forgotten the feel of pain.

But wait! What ship is this with white sails that draws near?
The sun beaming off the breakers, the mist off rocks she clears.
The fortress has withstood what the tempest hath raged,
Face to face with brilliance the fortress is engaged.
Though the facade be thick and watchmen guarded
The white ship has weakened the ego, the takeover has started.

Shame,guilt, and pitty were the ties that bound
But a new stronger bond of absolute truth has been found.
Black to white, grey to gold
The fortress is gone, replaced by a sight to behold.
A broken soul, a broken heart, and will
All can find restoration, and return to that city on a hill.

The fortress stood strong protecting a heart of stone,
Years it wasted, pride it's prince, reigned alone.
But the castle of beauty, in faith, is finally free,
At peace, at rest, by the enchanting call of the sea.
Instead of conquering dreams, and solitude in the dawn
There's renewal and enlightenment where the waters are calm.

Last Year in a Nutshell. Thoughts on 2010

How does one skim through 365 days and take something away from it? Here's what I took away from the year 2010.

Lessons learned:
- I don't drink enough water, and consume too much caffein
- Trust is hard to obtain, and even harder to maintain.
- Facebook is like The Force- it can be used for good, but there's also a dark side to it.
- We rarely get to decide who we fall in love with, but it usually happens when we least expect it, or want it
- When we are at our worst, our friends are at their best.
- Never EVER drink Four Loko, especially on an empty stomach with other drinks
- Don't try to compete in a 100 mile race in Colorado when you live at sea level.

My Favorite Days of 2010:
- October 29th
- June 6th, midnight, summiting Woodstock Mountain and seeing the city lights below at mile 93 of the Old Dominion 100 Miler.
- August 21st: summitting the highest mountain in Colorado. Mt. Elbert (14,440 ft)
- November 20th
- November 7, pacing my friend James to his first marathon finish
- June 6th, me and my sister surprising our parents with a sweet 40th anniversary weekend

People I became closer to:
- Leesey Smuland Clark, Erica Dove, Dan Hanlon, Maria Pennington, Ryan Payne, John Park, my Tuesday Night Fight Club guys. Of course there are many friends I was already close with that are not on this list, You guys were already awesome friends.

New and Old
- Traded in my 2006 Toyota Corolla for a 2002 Jaguar X-Type
- Moved from Bridgewater, VA to Weyers Cave VA

Least Favorite Part of the Year
- All those freakin' 100 degree and humid days last summer, and all that stupid snow at the beginning of the year